I had, and sometimes am still having, a difficult time with the complete and utter change in my life and my routine. Nothing will ever be the same - which you are told. But until you are living it, you have no idea just how much. Having a newborn means hardly finding the time to brush your teeth, eat a decent meal, take a shower, or find a minute to yourself. Yes, you can while the baby sleeps but there are other responsibilities to tend to. There is an enormous amount of laundry now, we have a dog that still needs attention, there are bottles to wash, toilets to clean, and food to be cooked. Juggling it all is exhausting. And everything is so overwhelming. You have just no idea how overwhelming it all is. Some days it hits you like a ton of bricks. You just feel like you're doing everything wrong, the baby is screaming and you don't know why or how to comfort them, you get a feeling of utter panic every time the baby makes a noise or you think about the sleepless night ahead of you, and sometimes you just want to shut yourself away. If you just don't hear anything, then it's just not there.
There are also the moments of sobbing and mourning the life you had before. Yes, life is fuller now but you do miss the freedom of the life you had before. You can no longer just up and go out whenever you want to. You can't even go to bathroom when you want to. It has been difficult for me. I am at the point where I am wanting to rush this stage in his life and get him to where he is more "fun" and interactive and sleeping through the night. I keep asking all the mothers I know when their child finally was sleeping through the night and what their tricks or routines were at night. I am mildly obsessed and need to take a step back. He will eventually work it all out. I just hope it's sooner rather than later. I am also looking forward to those days when he's discovering things and learning things and developing his personality. But I know I will never get these days back and will miss his little coos and snuggles that I can have anytime I want. Someday he will push me away.
The exhaustion is excruciating. Everyone tells you how tired you will be but it can never prepare you. It is punishing. The constant feedings, the sleepless nights, the busy days. It is extremely wearing. You wish there was more time in the day or that the baby would nap more. But then you think well if they're up more during the day, they will sleep better at night. And sometimes that has proven true. Others, not so much. And then when your baby is screaming in pain from gas, it is heartbreaking and you cry right along with them. You want so badly to help them and when you can't or don't know how, it is the most helpless feeling in the world. The emotions that radiate through your body during these first few weeks and months is extreme. Plus the hormones that are all out of balance don't help. And you want to establish a routine and schedule right away but a new baby doesn't let you. I am such a Type A personaility that not having a routine and feeding/waketime/napping schedule is tough on me. Someday we'll get there. I worry about how and if I'll do it right to set a good one and have it actually work. Again, I hate the unknown. I'm sure he'll help me and figure out some of these things on his own but I am so crazy that I want it now. It is an extremely difficult time.
But then you see this face. And in that moment, everything fades away and the love abounds. Until the next minor breakdown that is.
Mommy brain moment of the week:
I sat down on the couch to feed the baby. I got all settled with the boppy pillow, bottle, and burp cloth. Then I realized I forgot the baby.
You are right, you will get through this. :) Grayson had tummy troubles too, and it was awful! I tried everything people suggested, every formula on the market, and nothing seemed to work. Eventually he grew out of it, but it was a very difficult thing to deal with. No one can ever prepare for what it is going to be like to have a child, but just go with your instincts and with his cues and you will figure it out. What works for someone else may not work for you. Every baby is so different, even I had trouble the second time thinking that because I had done it before that it would be easier, but Grayson was just SO different from Connor that I couldn't use what I had already learned the first time. Good luck! You'll do just fine :) Let me know if you need anything~Karen
ReplyDeleteWell put Noelle. I remember vividly feeling all of the things you write about. Big hugs to you!!
ReplyDeletexo Anna