1. The epidural makes you mad itchy.
2. At one point during the pushing, I felt the nurse wipe my bum. I turned to her and said "Did I just poop myself?" She said "No." I turn to M and ask him. He says "I don't know. I'm not looking!" The nurse again says, "No really, you didn't." I'm not sure if I believe her. You do remember this was my biggest fear.
3. When the doctor broke my water, nothing came out. The baby's head was blocking it. So they didn't know if it was clear or if it had the meconium in it. Because of that, NICU was called in during the delivery to check the baby if there was meconium in the fluid. Thankfully, the water that finally came out along with the baby was clear. Nothing to fear!
Anyway, I also wrote before about my aversion to breastfeeding and I wasn't sure if I would pump or use formula. My body made the decision for me.
After delivery, the hospital is very focused on getting you to breastfeed. I never really wanted to do this but figured I would placate the hospital staff and give it a go in the hospital. The nurses help you out and basically grab your boob and try to stick it into the baby's mouth. It's pretty gross. This went on several times during the day but Jackson really wasn't latching well. Which was fine with me. So I asked the nurse if I could try pumping. This would also help my milk to come in.
On the first day, the militant grump lactation consultant came into my room. She made me show her my boobs and instructed me on how to massage them. I was to massage them for five minutes, express a little milk with my hands, and then feed the baby. Afterwards, I was to have skin to skin contact with the baby as this helps the milk to come in too. She was very adamant that this was what should be done. Then she looked at the baby's chart and goes "Why did he get a bottle?!" I was like because he was hungry and I don't have anything in me to give him right now. She was like he's not even 24 hours old, he doesn't need to eat yet. I was like ok. She left soon after that. My nurse was in the room at the time and just told me that she's very strict and to not pay attention to her. I did not like her.
The next day, I tried the pumping and was getting nothing. The nurse was even a little surprised. That day's lactation consultant came in and she just sat down, asked me a few questions and that was it. I tried pumping several times that day and always came out dry.
Since the baby wasn't latching on his own, I was written a prescription for a pump and my insurance covered 100% of the cost. Score! I got to take a brand new free pump home. I was pumped. He he. Bad joke.
On my last day in the hospital, the nicest lactation consultant came in while I was trying to pump. She saw I was getting nothing and she said "Honey, the most important thing is to take care of your baby and to make sure he's fed. It doesn't matter where it's coming from." I needed to hear this so badly. She stayed and talked with M and I for quite a while and made me feel so much better. She also showed a trick to calm the baby. He was fussy and all swaddled up. She said may I show you something? She unwrapped him so that his hands were free and he put them to his face and he calmed down. She said while in the womb, their hands are near their faces and it soothes them. It was wonderful. Jackson's hands are now always free. He does not like to be all swaddled up.
When we got home, I continued to try and pump every three hours or so for twenty minutes in a make shift pump station in my bathroom. I even moved to the nursery to be closer to the baby and sometimes in the living room so I could watch TV. Pumping is boring. I did this for almost two weeks. I drank tons of water, did warm compresses, and yes, even massaged. I wanted to be able to give my son breast milk. I was able to produce the colostrum which is extremely important so Jackson did get that. Sometimes during a pumping session, I would get little bit, once about a half ounce. But this only occurred this one time. I would either get drops or the bottles would be dry. It was extremely frustrating and disappointing.
I never realized how badly I wanted to give my baby breast milk until I couldn't. I tried and tried. I would sit there and cry thinking I can't even produce the one thing my baby needs most. What kind of mother am I? I would begin feeling so inadequate and a failure. Along with the hormonal change, I was a wreck and was fearing I was developing a mild case of postpartum. It was really messing with my head.
After a long conversation with one of my closest girlfriends, I decided to stop the pumping. She told me Noelle, it's not worth it. Your baby will get everything he needs with formula and it's ok. It's ok to stop. It's ok to give him formula. It's ok. I just needed someone to tell me it was really ok. M told me to stop as well. Once the decision was made, I felt so much better and that pressure was gone. It also freed up a lot more time as you become a slave to that pump. I dread the cost of formula but it can't be helped. I do hear the generic brands are just as good as the name brands so we will look into that.
I still wish I could have produced for my son. But really, at the end of the day, he is fed, he is loved, and he is growing healthy. That's all that matters.
I'm so glad you realized that. It really doesn't matter, so long as he's fed. I've seen so many mothers go through exactly what you felt (and I have my own stories to boot). Some even "toughed" it out, suffering and crying through each feeding. How can crying when your son is near you be better than giving him formula and a warm loving embrace? The nutritional difference is SO minimal, but the emotional difference is gigantic. You and Mike made absolutely the right choice for your family.
ReplyDeleteAnd as for the militant nurse: the La Leche League militants need to be out there, mainly to ensure that nursing mothers have rights and can breastfeed as needed and not as male-dominated cultures dictate. But having been through a pretty similar experience, I completely feel your pain. When Scott finally announced: "This is B-S-, Lets give the kid a bottle!" my pained heart (and boobs) did a huge internal cheer. In the long run, my story ended differently, but our in-hospital experience was very much the same and I wish new moms were more prepared and empowered to stand up for what you feel is best for your family. Cause in the end, like the "nice" nurse said, its about giving your child what he needs most, not doing what everyone else tells you that you SHOULD do.